By Lisa Harris, Management Assistant, Friend of the Court Bureau
I became a child of a domestic relations case in 1979. I never
really grew up feeling disadvantaged for being a child of divorce (granted, I
never knew anything else). I was lucky enough to have two parents willing to
work together to make my situation positive. Whenever I was asked about being
from a divorced home, I would share how awesome it was to have two homes, extra
parents, extra grandparents, extra siblings, double holidays, twice as many
gifts, and there was ALWAYS someone at one of my sporting events!
Unfortunately, this isn’t the experience for all children and families. Friend of the Court (FOC) staff often see families arguing, sometimes at each other’s throats, vengeful, angry, hurt, and often loud. We rarely get to see the families who were able to reach an agreement on their own or who are getting along well. Even if parents are cooperating, it may take years (if ever) to get to a good place in co-parenting.
It’s easy as a court employee to get burned out and frustrated.
Sometimes it is easier to just push cases through the system. Unfortunately,
when that happens, the personal touches are missed and parents start to feel
like cattle being herded, rather than individuals being heard and
understood.
I now have two kids with two different child support cases. I have
been a custodial parent, a non-custodial parent, a payer, a support receiver,
and a couple times I’ve been an interested stepparent with a very active role
in my stepchild’s life. I have been in front of plenty of FOC conciliators,
referees, judges, and more. As someone familiar with and working in the system,
but also a parent/user, here are a few suggestions of easy things you can do
personalize your customer service and bring a smile (rather than a complaint)
to the parents we serve:
- Ask the parents to share a picture of their child(ren) with you. If both parents are present and one parent shares a picture quicker, this may cause some sort of competition, so feel free to use one of the other below suggestions to engage the other parent.
- Ask the parents if the child(ren) has a nickname or preferred name the child(ren) likes to go by.
- Ask each parent if they have a name they would prefer to be called.
- Ask what grade their child is in, and/or maybe their favorite or least favorite subject.
- Ask if the child(ren) have any hobbies or play sports.
- Have fidget spinners or stress balls available in a basket on your desk if you meet with parents in an office. Parents may enjoy letting out some of the anxiety and frustration and may feel free to talk when staring down at an item.
- Provide each parent a piece of paper and pen to take notes during the meeting.
- Offer parents typed notes of the agreement discussed, if an agreement is reached. A lot is covered, and it can be overwhelming. It’s easy to forget or hear things incorrectly in a meeting or hearing when a parent is feeling overwhelmed, sad, or angry.
- Before a meeting take a couple of deep breaths and suggest the parents do the same. Parents usually go in prepared for disagreements, so try to begin a meeting with calmness.
- Play calming music quietly in the background. Feel free to ask if it bothers the parents. Sometimes the deafening silence lets minds race and tempers flare, so quiet music can be relaxing.
- Display some bright items in your office. Government offices can be so sterile and cold. Maybe displaying some fun, colorful children’s toys and wall hangings will remind the parents why they are there.
- Smile! It can be hard to remember to put on a smile for parents, parents especially when things are tense, but a little gesture can go a long way and create reassurance that you are not the enemy.
- Laugh boldly, when appropriate. Laughter helps cut the stress and your laugh may be contagious!
Being a parent who is experiencing a domestic relations case can
be very stressful. Putting our best foot forward as court employees can help
people through a really challenging time in their lives.
Lisa Harris, FOCB Management Assistant
